As early as kindergarten and all through grade school, Dez felt something was missing. He looked around at the way people were relating and saw a lot of lying, cheating and deception. He was an intuitive young man and even before he understood relationship dynamics, he sensed the underlying confusion, separation and suffering. At the core of his being he knew that something was askew. He started asking, What does it mean to be a boy, a man, a woman, and what does it mean to be in relationship? By default, many people adopt the predominant cultural paradigm of monogamy, and then find themselves lying, cheating and sneaking. This dysfunction makes it clear that people often choose relationship paths that do not match their true nature. Conscious individuals, by comparison, have the personal power to choose an alternative path that aligns with their desire. Sacred sexual relationships take these primary forms: 1) The Sacred Path of Celibacy 2) The Sacred Path of Monogamy 3) The Sacred Path of Polyamory No one path is higher than the other. Some people walk allthree paths at different times in their lives. Every individual has to find the path that suits him or her at any various points in life.
WHAT IS POLYAMORY? Deborah Taj Anapol popularized the term polyamory in her landmark book, Love Without Limits. In a weekend training, Kamala remembers Taj saying, “Raise your hand if you’re married to the first person you ever loved and are still with that person today. Go ahead, raise your hand.” Nobody raised a hand. “Then I can deduce you probably have loved more than one person. Polyamory means “many loves” or the ability to love more than one.” Taj clarified that it doesn’t have to be all at the same time. Polyamory.org also defines polyamory as “loving more than one”, and adds that loving may be sexual, emotional, spiritual or any combination of the three, according to the desires and agreements of the individuals involved. The term polyamory is also used to describe people who are currently involved in one or less relationships, but are open to more. Intimacy and the nature of the connection between individuals and groups of individuals vary greatly. The Sacred Path of Polyamory emphasizes openness, communication and consent. Deception or denying problems in the primary relationship by escaping to another lover can be damaging to self and others.
BUT ISN’T THAT SWINGING? The relationship between swinging and polyamory is controversial. Most people agree that polyamory has more to do with emotionally intimate, long-term relationships than with one-night stands. Swinging is generally viewed as a form of monogamy in which two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other couples or singles, no strings attached. Swingers may continue to sleep with the same people for years, but they usually don’t go on romantic dates and/or process deep emotional issues together. Baba Dez believes swingers are a category unto themselves. They have their own organizations, newsletters, conferences and contact networks under the label ”lifestyle”. The interactions of many swingers, as seen online, is often sexually explicit and overly concerned with superficial appearances. Swinging is rarely practiced as a spiritual pursuit. Most polyamory and Tantra practitioners, by comparison, do not approve of recreational sex. Kamala, in contrast, considers swinging to be a subset of polyamory. As long as the individuals are practicing responsible and honest communication, it is only a slightly different love style with a stronger emphasis on sex. The poly and swing communities, in Kamala’s point of view, are allies under the umbrella of open relationships. We have seen many friends and clients who started out swinging and have matured and transitioned into intimate emotional connections. We have also seen many poly people have sexual awakenings that allowed them to let go of their judgment of sex for sex’s sake.
POLY-TANTRA At first glance, polyamory and Tantra are not inherently related. We view polyamory as the practice of responsibly loving more than one, and Tantra as a spiritual path toward being in love all the time. People can practice Tantra without polyamory; people can practice polyamory without Tantra. Tantra, however, dramatically improves our experience of polyamory because it offers philosophy, practices and tools that make loving more than one person easier, deeper and more ecstatic. For several decades, Baba Dez has been walking the sacred path, which at different times has been celibacy, monogamy and polyamory. In a recent interview, he discussed his practice: “I currently enjoy many relationships on many levels. I have been friends and lovers with some women for almost thirty years. And with others, I have only recently been blessed by their presence in my life. The ‘now’ keeps unfolding and it is exciting to see who keeps showing up. “When I’m with women I feel attracted to, I pay attention to, What is the nature of this attraction? What is the feedback from my heart, my emotions and my body? What is the truth? Where does my desire meet theirs in each new moment? “How do I share in a way that feels safe, real, honoring and supportive? How ready, willing and able am I? How ready, willing and able is this other person? I notice where I would want to make the relationship into more or into less than what it is. Making more out of a relationship happens because we want something so much we distort reality. “When we decide to only have sex with a soul mate or life partner, we may find ourselves in delusion about what relationship truly is, because our need for sex is so great that we subconsciously make someone fit our criteria for life partner, just so that we can have sex with them. Over time we wonder how we got involved with this person. ‘What was I thinking?’ “On the other hand, we sometimes make less out of a relationship because we are afraid of the depth, intimacy and sweetness. To avoid the possibility of rejection and loss, we minimize a relationship, convincing ourselves that this person is not for us because of a mental list of reasons. We unconsciously push a beautiful relationship away and even end it because we are afraid of the possible loss. Often there is even relationship addiction where people become compulsive about the quest or conquest. “When I start entering intimate territory, it is essential for me to stay connected to my belly and my heart. I let go of what things look like and stay open to what everything feels like. This is how I avoid undermining my relationship with God, self, or my beloveds.”
AN INITIATION Kamala’s introduction to polyamory happened in her final year at Arizona State University. For her senior thesis, she wrote and directed a lesbian-themed stage production, Passion Flower. Her girlfriend at the time was a petite brunette who stage-managed the show. After rehearsal, Katherine and Kamala would walk to the local coffee shop to study together. Even though Katherine had not yet “come out”, it was obvious that she and Kamala were lovers. Meanwhile, Kamala found herself inexplicably drawn to Cain, a man she met at a poetry reading. Since Katherine and she were graduating from college and didn’t know what would become of their relationship, Katherine was open-minded about Kamala’s interest in this man. Cain volunteered to paint the set for Kamala’s play. Katherine and Cain worked together amicably to get ready for the production. After admitting to their mutual attraction, Cain took Kamala car camping. More specifically, he drove her out into the desert and spent the night cuddling with her on the hood of his car. The next evening, Cain disclosed, “When we were lying there, holding each other under the stars, I had a strong impulse to tell you that I loved you.” “I’m so glad you didn’t. That would’ve really freaked me out,” Kamala admitted. “Why? What’s wrong with love?” Though her heart told her she was falling in love with him, she couldn’t believe it. “Because, I love Katherine,” she said. But that didn’t stop Cain, who replied, “What does it matter who else you love? I love you like I love life. I tell my mother that I love her like the mountains and the sky. Why can’t I love you like that? There’s enough room in my heart for everyone.” This concept seemed so strange to Kamala, and yet felt so real. She went on to deconstruct her definition of love and discovered that her belief system viewed love as exclusive, while Cain’s view of love was inclusive. Kamala talked to Katherine about this new definition of love over a bowl of wonton soup. Relieved, Katherine exhaled and said, “I’ve been watching you fall in love with him for months and I was wondering when you’d finally admit it.” After graduation, Katherine moved to LA, Cain moved to Hawaii, and though Kamala followed Cain to the islands, she continued to date Katherine when she returned to the mainland during the holidays.
WHY POLY? During a Tantra & poly playshop, a skeptical student asked,“One woman is complicated enough…why would anyone want more?” To answer this reasonable question, the class brainstormed this partial list of benefits to being polyamorous: …Increased personal freedom …Stronger communication, trust and truth …More community and greater sense of belonging …Opportunity to practice non-attachment …Greater sexual exploration and fulfillment …Opportunity to work through jealousy and possessiveness Many people have a hard time explaining their personal and spiritual reasons for loving more than one person. One seeker sums it up, “It’s just the shape of my heart.” Another skeptic in the playshop asked, “It takes all my energy to have just one relationship. How do you deal with multiple lovers?” The answer for Dez is that he doesn’t engage in relationships that drain his energy. He chooses to be sexually intimate only with people who bring and build power. Clear, conscious, powerful lovers support and cultivate more health, joy and energy, which make it easy to maintain multiple intimate relationships.
POLY JARGON Poly relationships are inherently complex. From the outside looking in, they can be confusing. Because of their multifaceted and dynamic nature, non-monogamous relationships even warrant their own language: Poly Jargon. Some people venture to call it a science: Polygeometry. Following are some helpful terms and definitions:
Primary. The partner who has seniority or the strongest bond.
Secondary. The second relationship in terms of time or priority.
Third. The person in an ongoing relationship who is not as active or intimate as primary or secondary. Note: Many people don’t use the above terms because they imply hierarchy.
Triad. Three people involved in a loving relationship with any combination of intimate bonds.
Triangle. A relationship in which all three people are intimately involved with one another.
Tertiary. This is a less frequently used name for the second person in a triangle or a threesome.
Vee. A three-person structure where one person has two lovers, but those two lovers are not as closely connected with each other. Geometric arrangements involving four persons can be described as an “N” or “Z”.
Pivot Point. The person who is closely connected to two individuals who are not particularly emotionally involved with each other. This is the person at the bottom, or hinge, of a “V”.
Circle, Family, or Intimate Network. These are more politically correct terms for non monogamous relationship structures because they imply equality and community.
Pod. This playful term is a dolphin reference for any group of three or more polyamorous lovers.
Open Relationship. A committed partnership, sometimes a marriage, where both partners are open to sexual and/or intimate relationships with other people. This term includes polyamory and swinging.
Polyfidelity. A relationship of more than two individuals who have made a commitment to keep sexual contact exclusive within the group. In other words, they don’t practice polyamory with outside partners.
Polygamy. A marriage in which individuals have multiple spouses.
Polygyny. A marriage in which men have multiple wives.
Polyandry. A marriage in which women have multiple husbands.
Group Marriage. A single-family unit in which all members are considered to be married to each other.
Line marriages. Intergenerational marriages intended to outlive the original members by adding new spouses. This is seen as an ideal way to care for the children and the elderly in a family unit.
Compersion. A poly term for the ideal experience of pleasure when one sees or hears about his or her lover making love to another person. The opposite of jealousy. People in any of the above definitions may also use the labels heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, trans, dominant, submissive, etc. The above jargon is all just a list of labels. When we consider the complexity of human sexual behavior and preferences, we appreciate that people can never be defined by mere words. Many conscious individuals refuse to use labels. As a matter of respect, we should never assume that a label fits anyone unless that is how the person self-identifies. Labels are only tools to help us talk about these concepts, to connect with others who have similar interests, and to create a sense of identity and community.
BUT DON’T YOU GET JEALOUS? The most commonly asked question is, “What about jealousy?” The answer is, “Jealousy happens.” It’s like that bumper sticker: Shit Happens. Jealousy not only feels like shit, but like shit, it is a natural human experience. Different people experience jealousy to different degrees. Some people never feel any jealousy. It’s like they never got that part installed at the factory. But those individuals are rare. Ironically, some lovers get furious with each other because a lack of jealousy is equated with not caring. Jealousy is so common and so natural, you may as well befriend it. Instead of avoiding, repressing, or denying jealousy, we recommend you take a conscious look at what’s driving your jealousy. Breathe deeply and look for the deeper teaching. Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt dedicate an entire chapter to jealousy in the Ethical Slut. This book is considered by many poly people a bible, and it suggests one way to work through your jealousy is “by envisioning the worse possible scenario that you can imagine. Go ahead, wallow in it. Elaborate it until it becomes ridiculous.” Jealousy is a complex emotion involving fear, anger, and sadness. Your emotional work may start with asking yourself basic questions like:
Why do I feel hurt, angry, betrayed? What am I insecure about? What am I afraid of? What do I really want?
When we consciously look at what underlies jealousy, we may discover our unmet needs. People who practice compassionate communication maintain that needs are hidden underneath all the emotions. Kelly Bryson, poly pioneer and author of Don’t Be Nice, Be Real: A Compassionate Guide to Communication, teaches what he calls “freedom-based relating”, coaching people how to identify their needs and how to get their needs met without sacrificing the needs of others. In the Sacred Path of Poly, if we’re having a hard time working through our jealousy, we may ask our partner for help, providing our partner is willing and able. While it is tempting to blame or attack our partner for whatever he or she did, it is essential to understand that nobody can make anybody feel anything. Each of us is responsible for our own emotion and for recognizing which needs are not being met. If our partner is unable to listen, or gets defensive or tries to fix us, then we call someone who knows how to listen in a way that encourages the full truth. This may be a friend, a coach, a sponsor, a Daka, a Dakini, a teacher or a therapist. The most effective listeners simply listen, witness, and hold space. Sometimes the most powerful response is simply, “Thank you.” Other compassionate responses are, “I can imagine how you might feel,” or “That’s understandable.” In sum, once jealousy has been recognized, felt and responsibly processed, we can experience ourselves more objectively, independent of our fear and projection based on emotional backlog from our wounded past. The ultimate aim is to be fully alive and dance in the pleasure of the moment.
HAVING NEEDS IS NOT NEEDY Mainstream culture teaches us that your family needs can be met by your family of choice. Your entertainment needs can be met by going out. Your intellectual needs can be met by books or classes. Your physical needs can be met by going to gyms and playing with workout buddies. But for some reason, your intimate, romantic and sexual needs should only be met from one person! Tragically, many people live their entire lives sacrificing their needs because their primary partner can’t meet them. Another problem we observe is couples believing that their partners are responsible for their happiness, financial success and/or orgasms. This kind of thinking is a red flag, pointing to the need for self-work. The ultimate primary relationship is always self or Spirit. No matter how empathetic and intuitive your partner may be, only you know what you truly want and need. Nor is it possible or desirable for any one person to meet all of your needs. We don’t have to become completely self-sufficient, but how we can’t expect anyone else to meet our needs if we want to take care of them ourselves? No matter how evolved our consciousness is, all humans have needs. We must learn to listen to our body, belly and heart to learn what they are. It’s easy for our sophisticated minds to grasp poly theory, but it’s hard for our wounded inner child to catch up. This is why we advocate giving your little kid a gigantic double scoop of compassion. Let the inner child know that all feelings and needs are as yummy as rocky road ice cream and underneath all of the messy emotions, there are basic human needs. We all have the need to feel included, secure, special, provided for, considered, honored, appreciated, desired, respected, accepted, loved and loveable. There are also many contradictory needs that compel people into poly, such as the need for freedom, truth, sexual expression, variety, novelty, romance, excitement, spontaneity, and abundance. As we practice accepting basic needs, we cultivate a greater capacity to accept the less desirable needs such as the need to look good, to be in control, to be deviant, to be held, to be touched, to touch, to merge sexually, to rebel, or to shock. Whatever your needs are, we invite you to breathe deeply and accept them. Judging ourselves is counterproductive to our evolution. Poly is a profoundly abundant state of mind. Consider the possibility that you can have all of your needs met, as long as you are not attached to getting them met by one person. The universe is infinite and it can provide for infinite desires. So, own your desires, make clear requests to get them met, and be willing to receive.
TOP TEN POLY CONCERNS In coaching poly individuals, couples and pods, we have observed certain recurring issues. Following is a list of some common concerns: 1. I’m afraid someone else will be better in bed than I am. I just don’t want to be left out, spending the night alone while they are out having sex. 2. Or worse, what if my partner leaves me, divorces me or abandons me? 3. I’m OK if my primary has sex with someone at a play party, but I don’t think I’d like it if they actually established a relationship. 4. Or, they can have an intimate relationship but I want to be the only person they penetrate. 5. We only have so much time as it is. I don’t want to have to share my primary by splitting my time with someone else. 6. If my primary meets someone in our community and dates her, then everyone is going to find out and think I’m not satisfying him. 7. I worked so hard to train my husband to be a good lover and provider. If he meets someone now, it’s like giving away all my hard work. 8. What if I get stuck with all the mundane roles such as working and taking care of the kids, while my wife goes off to have romantic sex with someone else? Why do they get the milk for free when I had to buy the cow? 9. But I want to raise a family with kids and I don’t think that polyamory sets a healthy example. 10. And a litany of little things like, Who will I bring home for Thanksgiving? Who sleeps in the middle? Whose names are on the floral-patterned checkbook?
NEGOTIATING AGREEMENTS It is up to each individual to decide what he or she is comfortable with in relationship and then to negotiate agreements and boundaries with each of his or her partners. This negotiation can look like a graceful dance or a crunchy compromise. In any case, it is always a co-creation. Assumptions about relationship agreements are neither advisable nor acceptable. Clear communication is absolutely vital in poly. Many people are afraid even to start a discussion with their partners for fear of rocking the boat, but we strongly encourage you to “get over it”. If you are able to speak the very thing that you are afraid of saying, you will be free. It takes great courage to negotiate a relationship agreement. The co-creation is an art which ultimately leads to greater understanding of self and others. Ultimately, when we have spoken and/or written agreements, everybody feels safer and can move forward with a greater sense of trust and freedom. If you are not currently in relationship, it is still valuable to explore your needs, desires, triggers and bottom lines. This personal growth work will help you attract appropriate partner(s).
Here are twenty questions to help get clear about your true desires in relationship. 1. What are your relationship boundaries? What are you currently allowed to do, or what do you allow yourself to experience? 2. What would you like to be able to experience that you are not currently allowed or allowing yourself? 3. Does your primary relationship always come first? Are certain times or places always reserved for primary partners to be alone together? 4. Do you agree to stop if poly is hurting the primary relationship? Do you stop a certain relationship, or stop being poly altogether? 5. Do you engage with poly-friendly partners? Are you allowed to date “outside the species”, meaning people that have no poly experience? 6. What’s your position on recreational sex? 7. Is it OK to sleep with personal friends? How about ex-lovers? Are there any specific people who are off limits? 8. Are you “out of the closet” about your relationship choices? Who are you allowed to tell and who do you want to keep it from? 9. Do you prefer to connect with your partner and his or her lovers all together, or do you prefer one-on-one connections? 10. Do you require informed consent among all parties? 11. How about advance notice of potential sexual partners? Does your primary need to meet your potential new lover before sexual contact occurs? 12. What are your safe-sex standards? Be specific! 13. How long before you must share new developments with your primary partner? Do you communicate immediately, within twenty-four hours or within one week? 14. Do you have a time restriction as to how often you are allowed to date others, like once a week, once a month, or vacations only? 15. What is your curfew? Do you allow overnight dates? Is it OK to sleep with a lover if your primary is sleeping alone? 16. Are you allowed to bring home your lovers? Is it OK to behave sexually with other partners in front of your primary? Can you have sex with a new partner in your primary partner’s bed? 17. Can you call, email or go out with lovers without consent of your other lovers? 18. What is your absolute bottom line, which is to say, what boundary, if broken, might seriously jeopardize your relationship? 19. What are the consequences if your agreements get compromised?. Is there flexibility and forgiveness or is it an ultimatum? 20. When are these agreements open for discussion? Is it OK to discuss the agreements at any time for any reason, or would you rather wait for a periodic review such as during the full moon, quarterly or every six months?
Perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind when creating relationship agreements is that with more experience, comfort and support, your rules will change and evolve. It is inevitable that some agreements will have to be revised and that some agreements will become unnecessary. The examination, discussion and process of creating agreements can be a profound part of our growth. Once we have worked out the details of our agreements through journaling or dialog, it is time to put our agreements in black and white. Creating a written contract can be fun! It is a declaration to the universe that you and your partner(s) aren’t subject to unconscious mainstream conditioning. It may be as formal or as poetic as you like. Some contracts are written like marriage vows with statements such as, “I vow always to share sexual energy as an expression of my love and affection.” Or, “I vow never to withhold my love from you or anyone else.” Once you and your partner(s) have written the contract, sign it and save it so you can retrieve it and review it during periodic relationship discussions. Here are examples of terms and clauses that people have used in their poly contracts:
SINGLE-SEX POLY. When bisexual individuals in a poly arrangement agree to date one sex and not the other sex.
Prior approval. When a couple agrees to open the relationship but they want to meet any new partners before moving into sexual territory. Often, the primary partner’s comfort level is a decisive factor before moving into sexual territory with someone else.
Veto power. When the primary partner is given the power to approve or veto any outside relationships. If the primary partner does not approve, then the new relationship is not allowed to continue.
Condom commitment. When condoms are not used in the primary relationship, but are used when having sex with other people. In other words, the couple practices safe sex with everyone else.
Fluid bonded. Any relationship in which partners are allowing the exchange of bodily fluids and having barrier-free intercourse.
Fluid monogamy. When couples use condoms with all relationships except the primary relationship. Tell-all policy. When individuals in a poly relationship agree to inform each other of the full intimate details of their involvement with other parties.
Need-to-know. When partners agree to an open relationship and promise to inform their partners about any information that may affect the primary, such as when they start sleeping with someone else. This differs from Tell-All Policy in that there is no need to report unless asked.
Don’t ask/don’t tell. When individuals would rather not know any details about their partner’s outside relationships.
Soft swap. When intimate behavior such as kissing, petting, and oral sex are allowed with multiple partners but penetrative sex is allowed only with the primary. Package deal. When a couple only dates and has sex with others when they are together.
Non-exclusion. When primary partners are always invited to join each other’s dates and sleepovers. In other words, nobody spends the night alone unless it’s by choice.
No Drama. If a relationship has a repeated pattern of emotional crisis, creating undue chaos, and challenging other relationships, it can be considered drama, which by this policy is not tolerated. The No Drama policy can also take the form of placing a limit on how often and how long relationship issues are discussed. Compulsive emotional processing can be counterproductive and addictive.
Polyamory requires more communication, but there is such a thing as too many “deep and meaningful” conversations. Creating agreements can help new lovers feel safe. As you evolve and become more adept you may decide to keep looser agreements or fewer rules. However, we caution seekers to take it slowly. When seekers dive into the deep end of polyamory too quickly, they often end up bonking their heads. If you are new to poly, we suggest you move only as fast as the slowest link in your relationship chain. If the relationship is meant to be, everyone involved will grow together. If it is not meant to be, you may grow apart. Separation can be a profound opportunity for spiritual growth.
We must give ourselves and our partners permission to communicate, renegotiate, forgive and accommodate. Remember, rules are made to be broken. We are human, after all. Ideally, communication occurs before an agreement is broken, but we’ve experienced incidences when this is not possible. We are not suggesting license for anything goes. We simply recognize that as a subculture, polyamorous people tend to be renegade spirits who rebel against rules. It is not uncommon for individuals, couples and pods to outgrow their agreements as fast as they can discuss them.
Ultimately, individuals must walk the path that matches the shape of their heart. Many people who discover they are not monogamous find it challenging to swim against the mainstream current alone. Whether you are celibate, monogamous, or polyamorous, we encourage you to surround yourself with individuals who are spiritually and sexually positive. It takes courage to reach out and accept support from healers, friends and family, but once you dip your toes into the stream of a sacred path, you will find teachers to help guide your way. If you continue to move towards the messages from your body, belly and heart, you will know when it is safe to dive in.
Baba Dez Nichols & Kamala Devi
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We will never sell or trade your contact info. For details about our events call858-272-2254 orKamala@Blisscoach.comWe try to return calls within 72 hours, if you don't hear from us in a timely manner, please try again. Kamala is the author of Don't Drink the Punch, Sacred Sexual Healing and a intimacy and creativity coach leading people Toward Success & Self Realization! Zendow, Inc. Copyright 2008
